Helplessness

This deployment sucks, there's no denying that.  However, it doesn't suck for the reasons that I thought it would.  I mean, of course I hate that DH has to live away from me for an entire year, but there's something else that angers and distresses me above all else, helplessness.

The days when he doesn't get to eat, or shower, or sleep.  The days that he has to deal with sucky (trying to keep it PG here lol) leadership or irresponsible battle buddies.  I am not directly affected by any of this of course, but it is the most emotionally distressing thing about this deployment.  I wish there was something I could do.  Unfortunately, I cannot address this issue just as DH would not be able to address my civilian boss or coworkers.  So all I can do is listen and let him vent if and when he feels the need.

Helplessness.  One word that holds so many variables.  I am helpless to the fact that my husband is deployed.  I am helpless to the environment he has to live in for a year.  I am helpless to the way he is treated by others.  I am helpless to the adversity he faces everyday.

When I considered the emotions I might encounter during this deployment, helplessness was not one of them.  Sad, lonely, anxious, scared, yes.  Helpless, no.

One thing is for sure, I've learned a lot during this deployment so far.  I have learned that I have more patience than I ever could have imagined, I have learned how to replace an air filter in a car, I have learned that anger is a wasted emotion when there is already so little time.

I wish I could learn how to feel less helpless.