The Deployment Blues

I've had a pretty optimistic outlook for most of this deployment (4.5 months and counting).  I was upbeat the night before DH had to leave, telling him that we'd handle this deployment no problem and he'd be home before we knew it.  Even after a couple months I was saying how fast the time was going.  Even now, I think the time is flying by.  I can't believe it will be January in a couple weeks, and my DOM will soon say 50%.

Unfortunately R&R was 3 weeks ago (really early, I know) and I've missed him more since then than I did when he first left.  The first couple of days were especially difficult, but even now I miss him more than before.  That sounds awful, but it's true.  The thing is, we didn't have a particularly fairy-tale-like R&R.  He annoyed me.  He was in MY space, he was making extra noise in MY house, using MY computer and MY tv.  Don't get me wrong, I loved having him here and it was a lot better than when he was gone, but it definitely was not the fairy tale I thought it would be.  Yet somehow, I feel closer to him now than before.  Somehow, I miss him more now than I did before.  I don't know if it's the weather (wanting someone to cuddle with while it's freezing outside) or the holidays or what.  I don't cry often and I can usually be pretty strong in the face of loneliness, but it's harder now for some reason.

It's hard to put into words how I feel.  I'm optimistic and sad, I'm lonely and yet content being by myself in my space.  I'm independent and dependent at the same time.  I'm tired of being anxious thinking about reintegration.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of waiting around all night and all morning to talk to DH.  I'm just tired... Some days it seems like homecoming will never come.  That sounds melodramatic, but I seriously feel that way sometimes.

Despite my 'woe is me' post, I know that someday I'll be able to look back at this and thank God we both survived.

Here's to a quick 7.5 months.