I read a blog post yesterday that was so inspirational and true that it has forced me to be "real." Not that I'm not always honest, but sometimes I refrain from complaining on Facebook or my blog because I want to seem strong. I want everyone to know that I can handle this deployment without flinching. And just as the blog post said, I am infected with "Perfection."
The post basically said that everyone is trying so hard to be perfect all of the time. The perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter. We are infected with this need to have a perfect body, be perfectly generous and selfless, and independent. We do not allow ourselves to have weakness because that is imperfect.
I suffer from this disease called Perfection. I do not cry when I feel that I need to because I need to be perfectly strong. I do not complain because I need to be perfectly self-sufficient. I do not ask for help because I need to be perfectly independent. Well screw it. I'm not perfect.
And that is why I have decided to write this post. I am going to complain about life because I'm not perfect and sometimes I need to rant about things.
I have not spoken to DH in 7 days. It is a short amount of time compared to others who have gone months, but right now I do not care. It bothers me, a lot. I have a lot to tell him. I really want to tell him about the doctor appointment I had a few days ago about my back because this is something that has plagued me for two years. I want to tell him about school and how nervous I am about midterms. I want to tell him about all of the activities I've been doing lately, and I want to know what he's been doing. I find myself losing my optimism right around day 6 of not talking to him. I should be stronger, but I guess I'm not. I've been taking care of myself, our house, our dog, my school, our finances, our computers, our car, and our life for so long that I have forgotten what it feels like to have help.
I can handle most things by myself and enjoy doing so, but sometimes I want help. His computer in particular has frustrated me because that is something he can do, and I can't (well I guess I can now). It takes me 10x longer to figure things out and I do not have hours upon hours to try and fix a computer and its corresponding devices. It's just a computer, but it symbolizes his absence. I feel his absence most strongly when I'm dealing with that because that is something he should be doing.
We only have less than a handful of months until this deployment ends. I know that I can handle it. It's just days like today that make me hate D more than usual.
Below is the post I was referring to. I urge everyone to read it.
The disease called "Perfection"
That is a really great post on being real! I usually am ok until I hit about day 4 or 5 without talking to Ben. The longest we had to go was over a month once. It was terrible especially since other wives got calls everyday. It's hard when we have to wait and have so much to tell them.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Omg, a month?! I would go crazy lol. I thiink I'll get to talk to him soon, but who knows.
ReplyDelete