The Perfect MilSpouse

I read a blog post yesterday that was so inspirational and true that it has forced me to be "real."  Not that I'm not always honest, but sometimes I refrain from complaining on Facebook or my blog because I want to seem strong.  I want everyone to know that I can handle this deployment without flinching.  And just as the blog post said, I am infected with "Perfection."

The post basically said that everyone is trying so hard to be perfect all of the time.  The perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter.  We are infected with this need to have a perfect body, be perfectly generous and selfless, and independent.  We do not allow ourselves to have weakness because that is imperfect.

I suffer from this disease called Perfection.  I do not cry when I feel that I need to because I need to be perfectly strong. I do not complain because I need to be perfectly self-sufficient.  I do not ask for help because I need to be perfectly independent.  Well screw it.  I'm not perfect.

And that is why I have decided to write this post.  I am going to complain about life because I'm not perfect and sometimes I need to rant about things.

I have not spoken to DH in 7 days.  It is a short amount of time compared to others who have gone months, but right now I do not care.  It bothers me, a lot.  I have a lot to tell him.  I really want to tell him about the doctor appointment I had a few days ago about my back because this is something that has plagued me for two years.  I want to tell him about school and how nervous I am about midterms.  I want to tell him about all of the activities I've been doing lately, and I want to know what he's been doing.  I find myself losing my optimism right around day 6 of not talking to him.  I should be stronger, but I guess I'm not.  I've been taking care of myself, our house, our dog, my school, our finances, our computers, our car, and our life for so long that I have forgotten what it feels like to have help.

I can handle most things by myself and enjoy doing so, but sometimes I want help.  His computer in particular has frustrated me because that is something he can do, and I can't (well I guess I can now).  It takes me 10x longer to figure things out and I do not have hours upon hours to try and fix a computer and its corresponding devices.  It's just a computer, but it symbolizes his absence.  I feel his absence most strongly when I'm dealing with that because that is something he should be doing.

We only have less than a handful of months until this deployment ends.  I know that I can handle it.  It's just days like today that make me hate D more than usual.


Below is the post I was referring to.  I urge everyone to read it.

The disease called "Perfection"

The Verdict is in

I have a herniated disc.  Somehow, I thought I was too young or too healthy for a herniated disc.  Don't ask me how I thought that was logical.  Good news is, it will heal itself over time.  Bad news is, it'll probably take a few years.  The doctor offered to do surgery.  He said all he will do is insert a small tube and remove the bulge that is pinching my sciatic nerve.  Eh, no thanks (at least for now).   So what we're going to do is take oral steroids for 6 days, and do physical therapy.  I am optimistic about this plan for two reasons.

One, I am 95% sure that these oral steroids were the same ones I took when my back first started hurting (2 years ago) and it made the pain go away for 1.5 years.  Second, I was speaking to a female soldier in the waiting room who has 100 different things wrong with her back and she said that she has had no pain since she started physical therapy 4 weeks ago.  I figure, if physical therapy can make her pain go away, I'm sure it will make my pain go away.

I have also not taken any pain meds for about 3 weeks and the pain is manageable.  I'm certainly not going to be doing gymnastics or running 5 miles, but I can at least do the things that I need to do.  Hopefully these steroids will decrease the pain though.  And if they do work, I might have them give me steroid injections which will be a bit stronger and last longer (if the oral steroids work, but I feel that I need something stronger).

So there you have it, a herniated disc.  20 years old and I have the spine of a 50 year old.  I may always have back problems, but at least pain doesn't have to be a permanent fixture in my life.

There is hope!

DOM Check!

**Ahem**   DoM says…




200 Days!!!!  =D


Finally here!  Woot woot!!

It's a good day =)

It's Valentine's Day

And it is starting off pretty good!  I just found out that I got a 97 on my Biology homework!  For those of you who don't know, I have been getting really bad grades in Biology lately due to a crazy teacher and this was the true test of whether a good grade was even possible for this class.  I am happy to announce that it is.


I was also looking back at older posts and I saw a post a couple months ago outlining 2011.  I can't believe I've already hit one of my mile markers, V Day!  Wow.. Soon March will be here, then April, then May, then… =D

In other news, it's Valentine's Day.  I am staying home, doing a little bit of homework, eating pizza, and playing video games.  Yep, just another day.  Except I don't think I'll be able to talk to DH for X reasons.  It's alright though, maybe tomorrow =)


In better news, a major DOM mile marker is coming up very soon.  Stay tuned!

Dear Deployment, I Hate You

First, the bad news.  I have been beyond stressed the past week or so.  DH has gotten screwed over time and time again by his CoC and I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of seeing him stress out, I'm tired of him getting no free time at all, I'm tired of him getting sick because they dont believe in giving anybody a break.  I'm tired of his CoC being sadistic asses (to put it nicely).  I know this all sounds pretty dramatic, but I promise I wouldn't make a big deal out of nothing.  I wish so much that I did not have any of this to worry about.  I wish more than anything that he was stationed elsewhere so he could live out his deployment at coffee shops and warm showers.  But that is just not the case…

Many husbands shield their spouses from all of this stress and worry.  They are essentially ignorant of the crap they live through and deal with on a daily basis, and I think that's perfectly fine.  Ignorance is bliss.  As much as I want to be DH's outlet and someone he can rant to, it's wearing on me.  I feel like I am shouldering his stress as well as mine.  The difference between his stress and mine is, I can't do anything about his stress.  

I feel so weak.  I'm supposed to be able to carry my stress and his.  I am supposed to be there to provide an outlet and emotional/ moral support, and I'm having a hard time doing that.  It's hard to be uplifting when you yourself don't feel very optimistic.  However, I'm trying to find things to be positive about to give me another boost.  Hopefully that will sustain me for the rest of the deployment.

None of this would be so bad if I wasn't already so stressed out about school.  In fact, I could handle one or the other.  School or DH.  Not both.  But I guess I can handle both because that's what I'm doing right now.  I can't say I'll be sane afterwards, but I'll survive.

Now for the good news.  We're over 50% done with this deployment, and I got a 92% on my Popular Music (Popular Music History, more like) quiz  =)

In the words of Robert Frost, "it goes on."

Sex Therapy

Pshh I wish!  Haha ok sorry, I'll keep it PG.  But seriously, Sex Therapy - Robin Thicke is an amazing song.  I am officially addicted.  And it makes me miss DH even more, if that was possible.

I feel like I'm treading the line of TMI so I'll just say that I've been missing DH a whole lot lately.  I don't think I'll ever recover from R&R.  I was supposed to be "better" by now right?  Nope.  I'm not crying every night or depressed, but I miss him with this deep ache that just won't go away.  I used to be able to handle him leaving for days and weeks at a time without a flinch, but now I feel every hour that he's gone.

The days are flying by though, thanks mainly to WoW and school.  I dread homework and I have to have it done by the end of the week, so of course the end of the week approaches at an alarming rate.  Oh well, works out either way.  I was pretty stressed out this morning when I found my horrible homework grades for Biology.  Yikes.  So today I spent 5 hours answering 6 questions.  I better get a good grade this time.  But in all fairness, it was not college level work that I was turning in.  No worries though, seeing those grades was just the kick I needed lol.

Over halfway done with this deployment.  Come on Summer!