He's Home!!!!!!!

I have waited 363 days to make this post.

First off, let me assure you that the end of this deployment was nothing but horrendous.  We encountered 100 bazillion delays including DH contracting Malaria 24 hours before he was supposed to fly to Germany.

After 2 weeks of delays and giving up hope that I would ever see DH again, he came home.  He arrived *on time* on Sunday at 6:45pm.  I saw his plane flying towards us in the distance from the hangar.  It was… surreal.  Knowing that my husband, who I hadn't seen in 9 consecutive months and had traveled 7,000 miles to make it home, was mere yards away was the most exciting experience.

He was one of the first people off the plane and we saw each other right away.  After seeing him, I ran inside the hangar, stood by the stage, and waited as they marched in.  He was right in front of me after they marched in.  I was so excited I was literally shaking.

When they were released for 15 min, I ran to him and was embraced in the biggest/ most emotional hug of my life.  It couldn't have been better.

Reintegration (which consists of the past 4 days) has gone very well.  We're not suffocating each other with 24/7 contact, nor are we distancing ourselves from each other.  Everything just seems… normal.


In 2 weeks we'll head to NJ and Vegas for block leave :).  Can't wait!

DOM Check!!

Here is the moment we've all been waiting for!!!

1.5% left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you that know the basic percentages for a DOM, you know that there is practically no time left.  I've had to resort to Tylenol PM in order to get any sleep.  My mind is racing, my stomach is in knots, and I suddenly feel like there isn't enough time in the day to get everything done that I need to.

But none of that really matters does it?  Because DH is coming hoooome!!!!  It's amazes me that a year has come and gone, but it did.  I think I'm still in shock.  Could this deployment really be ending???  Believe it or not, it is.

Ah yes, the end is near :)

Happy Anniversary to Me

Today is my two year anniversary.

It is definitely bitter-sweet.  Of course I'm thrilled that we have survived two years of marriage (especially since 19 of those months were spent apart).  However, it's bitter because not only is my husband still deployed, but I haven't been able to talk to him today.

The good news is, this weekend marks 2% until DH begins his journey home from Afghanistan :).  That is tremendously exciting news in the world of deployments.  It is *almost* finally over!

In other news, I've decided to go to The Melting Pot for my 21st birthday on August 6th!  I've never been to The Melting Pot or any fondue restaurant so I'm super excited.  I think it will be a fun, unique way to spend my birthday.

I also got my Japanese Straightening Perm!  I mentioned awhile back that I was planning on getting one and I finally did it.  I am VERY happy with the results.  Never in my life have I been able to hop out of the shower, brush my hair, and go.  If I did, I ended up with a wavy, frizzy, poofy mess.

Yesterday (after not being able to wash my hair for 72 hours - gross!) I washed my hair, hopped out of the shower, brushed my hair, and went.  And you know what?  It came out great!  It wasn't frizzy, poofy, or the least bit wavy.  Below is a picture of what it looked like after it dried.  It's a miracle!

Although today itself isn't such a great day, great days are just around the corner!  Hold on tight, this deployment rollercoaster is almost over!

DOM Check!!

**Drum roll**

300!!!!


300 days since DH officially left our home for an entirely too long deployment. 300 days since I've seen him walk through the front door after work. 300 days since I've had to wake up at 0500 (aka: way too early) to take him to work. 300 days since I've completely relaxed. 300 days that I've had to live alone, sleep alone, eat alone, and do everything without my other half.

I've waited for this moment for 300 days and I can't believe it's actually here.  This (besides homecoming) is the biggest milestone in the deployment.


Goodbye quarter mark, goodbye halfway mark, goodbye three-quarters mark.  Hello finish line!

Finally!

Finally another good day!

Today was fantastic.  The weather was perfect.  70 degrees, with a nice breeze.  I took Jack for a walk with Monica while she walked her little dog, Baby.  Afterwards, Jack and Baby played in her backyard and cracked us up with their crazy antics.

I've become very close to Monica and Lori and I finally feel like I have a best friend again.  I've had plenty of close friends, but it's been a long time since I've had that friend that makes me feel like I'm in High School again.  That kind of friend where you practically live at their house, and do everything together.  It's been a long time and I'm so happy that I have that again.

In 1.5 weeks my DOM will read 75% =O.  I know, I can't believe it either.  75%???  How can that be?  It's been a long time coming, but I'm just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Could this deployment REALLY be ending?!

In other less exciting news, I've been going to physical therapy a lot.  I'm getting a great workout while I'm there, but my back is starting to hurt worse.  I'm not quite sure if this is normal, or if I'm doing something wrong, but it's starting to discourage me.  I'm almost in as much pain as I was when DH left after R&R.  It was so bad that I had to go to the ER to get a prescription for Vicodin.  I hope it doesn't get that bad again.  Oh well, I have many more PT visits so hopefully it will only get better from here.

DH has been doing well too, surprisingly.  There's a part of me that expects him to be miserable all of the time, and I'm surprised when he's not.  I don't want him to be miserable, but I'm just surprised how much he can put up with and still be ok.

I've got a lot of homework to do tomorrow, but I'm not stressing over it.  Soon school will be over, and with that, the end of this deployment!

It's a Good Day

I have such a big smile on my face.  Where do I begin?

First and foremost, I finally got to talk to DH 1.5 days ago.  Yayyy!  And I got to talk to him again last night.  Another yay!

Today I woke up early (9:00 haha) and went to IHOP with my friend for free pancakes.  I ordered a slim-fit omelette complete with swiss cheese and turkey bacon (yum!) and a stack of pancakes.  I had to cut back somewhere and it certainly wasn't going to be on my carb intake LOL.

Then I went to APSU to have my math midterm proctored.  I was pretty nervous because the material is a little difficult for me because 85% of it is word problems.  I despise word problems.  Good news is, I think I did pretty well.  Only a couple (out of 50) confused me a bit.

Then I came home and checked on my school work to see what has been graded.  My public speaking mid-term speech outline (aka: midterm speech essay) has been nagging me for the past two weeks.  I wanted to know how I did since the teacher is a very difficult grader (I may or may not have mentioned this before) and she was returning many outlines to people to redo them.  I was nervous, to say the least.  However, I am happy to announce that she gave me a 95 (Yay!) and put "a very strong outline."  The nerd in me is on cloud 9 right now.

I also got a 92% on my pop music quiz.  I keep getting 92s and I think it's hilarious.  I'm glad I'm keeping my grade up, but 92 is such a random number and I have gotten it four times in a row now.

I also had ice cream for dinner.  No it's not healthy, no it's not going to help keep my girlish figure, and no it isn't going to keep me full for the rest of the night.  It is, however, something I think I deserve right now.  Or maybe I just don't care about counting anymore calories and have convinced myself that it is fat free.

Did I mention that today is a good day?  If I haven't, I'll say it again… It's a good day =)

The Perfect MilSpouse

I read a blog post yesterday that was so inspirational and true that it has forced me to be "real."  Not that I'm not always honest, but sometimes I refrain from complaining on Facebook or my blog because I want to seem strong.  I want everyone to know that I can handle this deployment without flinching.  And just as the blog post said, I am infected with "Perfection."

The post basically said that everyone is trying so hard to be perfect all of the time.  The perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter.  We are infected with this need to have a perfect body, be perfectly generous and selfless, and independent.  We do not allow ourselves to have weakness because that is imperfect.

I suffer from this disease called Perfection.  I do not cry when I feel that I need to because I need to be perfectly strong. I do not complain because I need to be perfectly self-sufficient.  I do not ask for help because I need to be perfectly independent.  Well screw it.  I'm not perfect.

And that is why I have decided to write this post.  I am going to complain about life because I'm not perfect and sometimes I need to rant about things.

I have not spoken to DH in 7 days.  It is a short amount of time compared to others who have gone months, but right now I do not care.  It bothers me, a lot.  I have a lot to tell him.  I really want to tell him about the doctor appointment I had a few days ago about my back because this is something that has plagued me for two years.  I want to tell him about school and how nervous I am about midterms.  I want to tell him about all of the activities I've been doing lately, and I want to know what he's been doing.  I find myself losing my optimism right around day 6 of not talking to him.  I should be stronger, but I guess I'm not.  I've been taking care of myself, our house, our dog, my school, our finances, our computers, our car, and our life for so long that I have forgotten what it feels like to have help.

I can handle most things by myself and enjoy doing so, but sometimes I want help.  His computer in particular has frustrated me because that is something he can do, and I can't (well I guess I can now).  It takes me 10x longer to figure things out and I do not have hours upon hours to try and fix a computer and its corresponding devices.  It's just a computer, but it symbolizes his absence.  I feel his absence most strongly when I'm dealing with that because that is something he should be doing.

We only have less than a handful of months until this deployment ends.  I know that I can handle it.  It's just days like today that make me hate D more than usual.


Below is the post I was referring to.  I urge everyone to read it.

The disease called "Perfection"

Dear Deployment, I Hate You

First, the bad news.  I have been beyond stressed the past week or so.  DH has gotten screwed over time and time again by his CoC and I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of seeing him stress out, I'm tired of him getting no free time at all, I'm tired of him getting sick because they dont believe in giving anybody a break.  I'm tired of his CoC being sadistic asses (to put it nicely).  I know this all sounds pretty dramatic, but I promise I wouldn't make a big deal out of nothing.  I wish so much that I did not have any of this to worry about.  I wish more than anything that he was stationed elsewhere so he could live out his deployment at coffee shops and warm showers.  But that is just not the case…

Many husbands shield their spouses from all of this stress and worry.  They are essentially ignorant of the crap they live through and deal with on a daily basis, and I think that's perfectly fine.  Ignorance is bliss.  As much as I want to be DH's outlet and someone he can rant to, it's wearing on me.  I feel like I am shouldering his stress as well as mine.  The difference between his stress and mine is, I can't do anything about his stress.  

I feel so weak.  I'm supposed to be able to carry my stress and his.  I am supposed to be there to provide an outlet and emotional/ moral support, and I'm having a hard time doing that.  It's hard to be uplifting when you yourself don't feel very optimistic.  However, I'm trying to find things to be positive about to give me another boost.  Hopefully that will sustain me for the rest of the deployment.

None of this would be so bad if I wasn't already so stressed out about school.  In fact, I could handle one or the other.  School or DH.  Not both.  But I guess I can handle both because that's what I'm doing right now.  I can't say I'll be sane afterwards, but I'll survive.

Now for the good news.  We're over 50% done with this deployment, and I got a 92% on my Popular Music (Popular Music History, more like) quiz  =)

In the words of Robert Frost, "it goes on."

Sex Therapy

Pshh I wish!  Haha ok sorry, I'll keep it PG.  But seriously, Sex Therapy - Robin Thicke is an amazing song.  I am officially addicted.  And it makes me miss DH even more, if that was possible.

I feel like I'm treading the line of TMI so I'll just say that I've been missing DH a whole lot lately.  I don't think I'll ever recover from R&R.  I was supposed to be "better" by now right?  Nope.  I'm not crying every night or depressed, but I miss him with this deep ache that just won't go away.  I used to be able to handle him leaving for days and weeks at a time without a flinch, but now I feel every hour that he's gone.

The days are flying by though, thanks mainly to WoW and school.  I dread homework and I have to have it done by the end of the week, so of course the end of the week approaches at an alarming rate.  Oh well, works out either way.  I was pretty stressed out this morning when I found my horrible homework grades for Biology.  Yikes.  So today I spent 5 hours answering 6 questions.  I better get a good grade this time.  But in all fairness, it was not college level work that I was turning in.  No worries though, seeing those grades was just the kick I needed lol.

Over halfway done with this deployment.  Come on Summer!

The Good Ol' Days

So today I took a trip down memory lane as I youtubed "90's music."  Ah how I miss the 90's.  It sounds weird to say "the 90's" as if it is some far off decade, but I guess it is now.  It's already been 11 years O.o.  Anyway, I love love love the 90's and I fear that I will be embarrassing my kids by listening to this "old" music in 2020 haha.  It's not just the music that gets me though, it's the nostalgia.  It reminds me of so many happy, simpler times in my life, also known as my childhood lol.  Just listening to these songs make me happier and make me feel as if I'm still living in those simpler days.  The days without bills, and deployments, and stress.  Gotta love the 90's.

On another note, I'm sick.  It's just a cold, but UGH I hate being sick!  I feel like such a baby, but this horrible sinus headache and stuffed up nose and coughing and fever is just Ahhh!  Ok on to other news…

I have convinced DH to play WoW with me again once he comes home.  We both quit about 2 years ago, but I've recently gotten back into it and I'm sooo glad I got him to agree to play with me.  We had so much fun when we played together before (or at least I did =P ).  And I'll admit, it wasn't an easy task, but I succeeded.  Muahahaha victory! <3


What can I say?  I'm becoming nerdier everyday? That may be true, but at least I'm having fun =D

A Rough Week..

Where do I begin?  Well, first I got my wisdom teeth out.  That was fun, and still is.  I can hardly open my mouth, it hurts to cough, yawn, talk, smile, and eat, and I look like a chipmunk.  I've also decided to give Rocky back to the breeder.  This is still a very difficult decision on my part.  I don't feel that I have enough time to devote to him with physical therapy, school, and just the emotional strain of this deployment.  I'm still not completely sure I'm making the right decision, but it is what is is.

DH also just left for xx amount of days.  I just love when I can't talk to him for long periods of time *insert sarcasm here*.  I am also completely stressed about school.  There are some supplies I still don't have and new requirements for a few courses that are going to be a pain to obtain.  This week sucks.  I sure hope next week is better..

Happy Anniversary to Me!

It's DH and I's third anniversary of being together today (not our wedding anniversary).  Wow, a whole three years.  That's like 14% of our entire lives!  Just figures that he has to be doing OPSEC and won't be able to talk to me for x days.  Oh well, I'll live.

And you know I have to update on Rocky!  He's doing pretty well.  I'm teaching him to not nip on people's hands and feet and he's catching on quickly.  I also gave him his first bath today.  He did really well, he mostly just stood there for me.  Him and Jack are growing pretty fond of each other as well.  If I'm not around, Rocky seems to accept Jack as my substitute.  I'd like to think Jack has bonded as well.  He even allows Rocky to play with his ducky!  Rocky has his next set of shots on the 20th, yay!  The more shots he gets, the closer I get to being able to take him on walks with me <3

My orthopedic specialist appointment is today too.  I've been very curious to see how they will deal with my back problems.  For those of you who do not know, I've had Sciatica and sacralization of the 5th lumbar for about 2 years now and it is getting increasingly worse.  Basically my sciatic nerve is being pinched (Sciatica) because the vertebra above and below the nerve are trying to fuse together (sacralization).  I really hope they can do something about my back because I cannot continue to take pain meds for the rest of my life.

I'm also getting my wisdom teeth out next Tuesday.  Fun fun!  I've never had surgery before so I'm a bit nervous and excited.  I know.. I'm weird lol.  It's a good thing my mom will still be at my house because I'm going to be a little loopy from the anesthetic and pain meds for a day or so and won't be able to take care of my furbabies very well.

Lots of doctor and vet appointments this month.  Let's hope February is a healthier month!

A Little Bit of Everything

I do miss being at my house with all of my things and my friends and routine, but I have enjoyed being at my mom's house.  I like being able to go outside and see Bella and let Jack run around outside.  I enjoy playing games with my brothers and having company while I watch a movie or tv.  It's nice hanging out with my brothers.  It's like they're friends that were born into my life.  I didn't choose them, but they're there.  I may not be super close with them, but I love them and I never feel awkward when I see them no matter how long it's been.

It's weird though.. I thought that the time would go by fast when I came to Arkansas, but it really hasn't.  It's gone pretty slow actually.  Oh well, time IS moving whether it seems like it or not.

I also got some good news from a fellow Army wife =) .  Supposedly her DH is coming home X months earlier than scheduled and DH could possibly be coming home X months early too.  It's not super early, but I'll take what I can get =) .  I do hope he comes home early, but I'm prepared to wait however long it takes.

On another note, DH has been doing OPSEC for the past few days so I haven't been able to talk to him. I don't think I'll be able to talk to him for another couple of days either.  Oh well, I have my family to keep me company.

Oh yea, 3 days 'till 2011!!!

I Survived

Well, I survived my first Christmas without DH (and hopefully my last).  I usually love Christmas, but I just wasn't feeling it this year.  For once I'm happy it's December 26th.  Now new years, there's something I can celebrate =)

I'm Home!

Or at least my other home =P .  We made it to AR after about a 6 hour drive.  We had to leave later because I waited on my flowers to arrive.  They are so pretty!  Red and white tulips in a red vase with a silver bow on it <3.  They wilted a little on the way here, but I think they'll recover quickly.

Anyway, I went to visit Bella (my mom's calf) once I got here and she has gotten SO big!  It's probably hard to picture, but when I left her she was about 3 weeks old and the size of Jack.  Now she's about the size of, well… a small cow lol.  I also went to visit Highnoon.  He's my favorite horse (out of 6). He's a Morgan horse (for those of you who know anything about horses or who care to google lol) and he's so sweet!  They're all really sweet, but I especially like him because he used to be so shy and he always comes up to me to let me pet him.  I trust him the most and I just love him to bits!

Not much else going on.  I gave my brothers their Christmas gifts early.  I gave my oldest brother, Justin, Bioshock 2 for xbox 360 and my youngest brother, Chris, another xbox controller so he could play with Justin lol.

I also got to talk to DH!  I didn't think I'd get to talk to him until Monday, but he was relieved from duty early =) .  Hopefully I'll continue to be able to talk to him all the way until Christmas.

Anyway, I'm super tired since I went to bed late and woke up early to talk to DH.  Below is a picture of Bella when she was only a couple weeks old.  I'll post a picture later of her current state.

Picture taken:  September 23, 2010

Time For a Little Christmas Bragging

Okay I know it's not nice to brag, but it's alright if I'm bragging on somebody else, right? Haha I thought so.  Anyway, I received a gift from DH today!  I had no idea!  Ok that's a little bit of a lie… I did see the purchase on our online banking statement AND I did receive the shipping info.. But besides that, totally surprised! LOL

Anyway, he got me a diamond necklace <3.  I'm so happy!  That's the last piece of jewelry I needed (I like to have all the bases covered and I usually never take my rings, bracelets, earrings, necklace off).  He picked it out all by himself and it's beautiful!  Awww I can't wait to talk to him and thank him "in person."

I should be receiving flowers or something tomorrow too (once again, no thanks to our online banking).  I don't know what they look like or anything so it's still going to be a surprise.  So excited! He's never gotten me flowers so this is a big step!  Dang.. I guess this means I have to stop harassing him about getting me flowers =P .

I'll also be heading to my mom's house tomorrow to spend two weeks with her for Christmas and New Years.  Hopefully that will help two weeks pass by quickly and Jack will get a chance to run around in the country with his buddy Outlaw.

Awww this really makes me miss DH.  It's also pretty crappy that he can't get online for another week or so =( .  Oh well..

Here's to you, darling!

Helplessness

This deployment sucks, there's no denying that.  However, it doesn't suck for the reasons that I thought it would.  I mean, of course I hate that DH has to live away from me for an entire year, but there's something else that angers and distresses me above all else, helplessness.

The days when he doesn't get to eat, or shower, or sleep.  The days that he has to deal with sucky (trying to keep it PG here lol) leadership or irresponsible battle buddies.  I am not directly affected by any of this of course, but it is the most emotionally distressing thing about this deployment.  I wish there was something I could do.  Unfortunately, I cannot address this issue just as DH would not be able to address my civilian boss or coworkers.  So all I can do is listen and let him vent if and when he feels the need.

Helplessness.  One word that holds so many variables.  I am helpless to the fact that my husband is deployed.  I am helpless to the environment he has to live in for a year.  I am helpless to the way he is treated by others.  I am helpless to the adversity he faces everyday.

When I considered the emotions I might encounter during this deployment, helplessness was not one of them.  Sad, lonely, anxious, scared, yes.  Helpless, no.

One thing is for sure, I've learned a lot during this deployment so far.  I have learned that I have more patience than I ever could have imagined, I have learned how to replace an air filter in a car, I have learned that anger is a wasted emotion when there is already so little time.

I wish I could learn how to feel less helpless.

The Deployment Blues

I've had a pretty optimistic outlook for most of this deployment (4.5 months and counting).  I was upbeat the night before DH had to leave, telling him that we'd handle this deployment no problem and he'd be home before we knew it.  Even after a couple months I was saying how fast the time was going.  Even now, I think the time is flying by.  I can't believe it will be January in a couple weeks, and my DOM will soon say 50%.

Unfortunately R&R was 3 weeks ago (really early, I know) and I've missed him more since then than I did when he first left.  The first couple of days were especially difficult, but even now I miss him more than before.  That sounds awful, but it's true.  The thing is, we didn't have a particularly fairy-tale-like R&R.  He annoyed me.  He was in MY space, he was making extra noise in MY house, using MY computer and MY tv.  Don't get me wrong, I loved having him here and it was a lot better than when he was gone, but it definitely was not the fairy tale I thought it would be.  Yet somehow, I feel closer to him now than before.  Somehow, I miss him more now than I did before.  I don't know if it's the weather (wanting someone to cuddle with while it's freezing outside) or the holidays or what.  I don't cry often and I can usually be pretty strong in the face of loneliness, but it's harder now for some reason.

It's hard to put into words how I feel.  I'm optimistic and sad, I'm lonely and yet content being by myself in my space.  I'm independent and dependent at the same time.  I'm tired of being anxious thinking about reintegration.  I'm tired of being alone.  I'm tired of waiting around all night and all morning to talk to DH.  I'm just tired... Some days it seems like homecoming will never come.  That sounds melodramatic, but I seriously feel that way sometimes.

Despite my 'woe is me' post, I know that someday I'll be able to look back at this and thank God we both survived.

Here's to a quick 7.5 months.